Wednesday, March 4, 2009


well, it was John's last full day with the babies.  I'm so glad we got to spend these past 12 days together with the babes during the day. I will be flying solo tomorrow.

Updates on the babies:
Ryan--did not pass his 9 hour off / 3 hours on CPAP test yesterday.  By the 8th hour off the CPAP, he started "alarming." So they didn't make any changes today--but, from my observation, he did way better today.  I didn't hear his alarm go off at all at the end of his 9 hours.  otherwise, they did increase his feedings today and will continue to increase his milk and decrease his IV fluids over the next 8 days (assuming no pitfalls) to "full feeds."  he is still super cute :)
Nora--they turned down the oxygen flowing through her nasal cannula today to see if they could get away with a bit less.  She did OK, but I suspect there will be no real change in that tomorrow.  Every time I checked on her today, she was chewing the cannula, so that could be why she wasn't doing stellar.  She's much more calm now--still complains with diaper changes, mouth care and anytime anyone fusses with her, but settles quickly.  She's on the same track as Ryan with regards to meals.  she is still super cute :)

Niki came to visit us today.

As for me, I'm getting comments from friends and family on the blog and in real life noting how strong I am--fact is, I'm not.  if someone asks me how I'm doing, I cry.  If I stop to think for a moment about these babies, I cry.  As I type this, I weep for these babies.  I hate that they are struggling to breathe air that they should have no exposure to for another 2 months.  I hate that I couldn't provide them a safe home for a full 9 months.  I hate that their birthday was the worst, hardest, scariest day of my life.   My babies are in the hospital for an undetermined amount of time.  I start to think about all the "what ifs" that they may face in the coming months or years.  It's hard to breathe.  I hear the NICU alarms and beeps in my head when I'm home constantly.  My womb is empty and my arms are empty---it's just not right.
Fact is that I am not strong.  I've never felt more helpless, scared, inadequate and lost--I even feel guilty, like it's my fault, even though in my head, I realize that's not the case.  I don't know what happened on Feb 20th, the day they were born, which frustrates the scientific side of me, endlessly.  But I do know that we are being held up by a faithful God (whom I am angry with at the moment, I confess)--He has given us some peace and calm in this storm and has assembled an army of friends and family to take care of our practical needs so that we don't have to worry about things like making dinner, grocery shopping, care for Caitlin, rides to the hospital, etc.  Nora and Ryan are doing well for their gestational age and making good strides beyond expectations.  So, while I appreciate the thoughts that I am strong, I would like to take the opportunity to share that only God deserves that glory.  He is getting us through this.  Otherwise, I don't know where we'd be.  We can't imagine facing this alone.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the 
Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.


  1. Praying continually for you all. Much, much love,

    Jim & Shannon

  2. Praying...continually praying.